Posted by Kromey at 2:45pm Sep 18 '09Experts who study the generations say that, thanks to reliable birth control and legalized abortion, the last couple of generations have been the "most wanted" in American history. When they arrived, we drove them around in minivans with signs that broadcast: "Caution: Baby on Board." And when they went to school or summer camp, we made sure everyone got a trophy so no one got their feelings hurt.
While I don't know that "Baby on Board" is a symptom of any kind of problematic narcissism, the whole "everyone gets a trophy" thing I always knew was bad. I happened to just miss that. Growing up I entered contests where I got "Participation Ribbons" when I didn't win the blue ribbon, sure, but I always understood that I lost.
I was disappointed every time I held one of those accursed purple ribbons, because I knew what it was - a consolation prize for the losers.
But at the same time, those were only handed out when even that consolation meant something - it took courage to put effort into your best work and hang it out for all the world to see. You were literally asking to be judged by your peers; that purple ribbon meant you had the courage to put yourself out there like that, to make yourself vulnerable.
But at summer camp, or competing in my town's little league baseball summer after summer, no one worried about hurting my feelings when my team didn't win the first, second, or third place trophies. Why? Because it's a fact life that you'll face disappointment. Sometimes you won't be the game's MVP, sometimes your team won't even make it into the playoffs, and some years you will bat .006 (yes, I really did accomplish that feat of fail, although I won't swear that I got that last digit exactly correct).
And you know what? That's fine. Losing, being disappointed - that's fine. Because that's what builds a good, solid character (wow, I'm suddenly channeling Calvin's dad!).
The year after I was too old to continue playing in my town's little league baseball, they implemented the "everyone gets a trophy, no one's feelings get hurt" nonsense. Except they took it to a more ridiculous extreme than I think most do - there was a first place trophy, and then there was everyone else's trophy, and the only difference was the plaque: One read "You're A Winner!", the other read "First Place".
Immediately I knew that that was wrong. Suddenly we were teaching an entire generation that winning and losing weren't any different. We were going out of our way to make sure that no one felt like they failed, ever. We were so concerned with not hurting people's feelings that we began handing out self esteem like it was candy.
We began to teach them that no matter how little effort they put forth, they were still entitled to reward. Hell, there was a serious push to abolish the grade of 'F' on student's school assignments, because "We shouldn't be allowing our children to fail."
Well you know what? We absolutely should allow our children to fail. Because how else are they going to learn? How else are they going to understand what it means to fail - something they will do from time-to-time in their adult lives - and how to bounce back from it?
Failure is a fact of life. Yet we're raising entire generations who don't know that because they've been coddled and sheltered their entire childhood, never being exposed to failure at all. We hand out "cheap self esteem" to the point that we are in fact damaging their psyche. We've created and are perpetuating an epidemic of narcissism, and that's not good for society as a whole.
The Narcissism Epidemic: The Age of Entitlement - Kromey